As a licensed eye care professional, and moreover one who is interested in maintaining said license until such time that I retire and/or write my first multimillion dollar bestseller, I cannot say that I wholly endorse this particular Eye-dea.
Still, the thought of www.ocularfusion.net appearing on average every 5 seconds whilst tatted across the superior eyelid folds of an army of Fusioneers does bring a smile to my face.… Read the rest
If you’re among the (*cough*) “elite corps” (aka “The Fusioneers”) that has registered here, you received an email this morning containing a sneak preview of a new blog that I’m rolling out.
It contains the community columns that I wrote this past year for The Huntsville Times, not to mention a “bonus track” from the early years.
Oh, and a few other tidbits, such as a picture of me (kudos to Number One Son for his mad photography and computer animation skillz) and my real name (like it’s so tough to figure out).
You see! Membership really does have its “privileges.”… Read the rest
I broke through the Marvin-induced writer’s block last week and managed to turn in my last Huntsville Times community column before the deadline.
It wasn’t easy, though. But I just sat down and forced myself to brainstorm through the dusty annals of Christmases past for that just-perfect Yuletide memory to share in what I envision as a sort of coup de grace of a grand finale.
Come Sunday, check back here and watch me wrap up paganism, death, evolution, guns, whoopee-makin’, spittin’, a balding, 40-year-old man armed with a pitch pipe and an attitude, a Bible-bangin’, red-faced Church Lady (think Dana Carvey in SNL), the, ahem, “fruit of the vine” and a “par-tri-udge, in-uh, pear-treeee” into a neat package and top it off with a big red bow.… Read the rest
Marvin the Goldfish is like a Timex watch–he just keeps going and going and going…
His spirit I mean. The body itself is still in a sandwich baggy, buried deep in our freezer somewhere between the ground beef and the ice cream. That is, unless Eyegal got him mixed up with the frozen tilapia.
Final arrangements are incomplete, but ongoing. More on that shortly.
You may recall the readers who reached out to us in our time of Marvin-mourning with a very kind offer of a replacement goldfish. Yes, I know, it goes without saying that Marvin is irreplaceable, but it was still awfully nice of them.… Read the rest
It’s official–Bama versus the Utah Utes in the Sugar Bowl.
But you know how people from Alabama stumble over big words. What is a “Ute” anyway?
Fortunately, Joe Pesci has the answer.
Long time reader and commentator Carolinagirl is back from “playing” in The Sandbox, but she’s a little glum this morning after her beloved Army Black Knights were keelhauled yet again (their 7th straight loss ) by the Navy Midshipmen in the annual Army-Navy game.
Chin up, cg. Here’s some camo eye candy that should brighten your day:
Both teams were sporting the new Nike “Enforcer” uniform, but Army’s camo threads were over-the-top-o’-the-trench AWESOME. When I saw them I yelled, CHARGE! I immediately gathered everybody in the house to see them and called Number One Son at Bama to make sure he saw them too.… Read the rest
Wow, a “Game of The Year” that finally lived up to its billing. ‘Grats to the Gators for beating us straight up, fair and square.
We’re still a year or two away from having the full compliment of personnel to be able to beat a team that deep and talented, not to mention a once-in-a-generation player like Tebow.
Disappointing, yes, but the Crimson Nation is very proud of this team and what they’ve accomplished this year and the way they played today. Still, two Bama mistakes led to two Gator scores–remember what I said about having to play a perfect game?… Read the rest
…34, 35, 36…and one to grow on!
Kinda creepy, huh?
You know I’m just kidding, right?
You know, I know, heck, we all know that Tommy Tuberville’s sudden “resignation” this week had absolutely nothing to do with the “Beatdown in T-town” Saturday, right? Right?
If not Nick Satan, then maybe it was Karma…
I know I’ve gone on and on about the whole “finger thing,” but the fact is, after 6 straight wins you have to expect that. This is the SEC, not the ACC, for Pete’s sake. When it comes to football, one expects the knife to be twisted in the small of the back under such circumstances.… Read the rest
Out of all the columns that I’ve written this year for The Huntsville Times, the tribute to Marvin has apparently struck the biggest chord.
One of my patients said his wife cried when she read it. Another reader wrote to me and said “you really outdid yourself this time” and that it was “the best thing you’ve written all year.”
Yesterday I received this email from a reader:
… Read the restWe really enjoyed reading your column and are astounded at the longevity of your fish!
Should you be interested in choosing a free goldfish to replace poor old Marvin, please contact Trevor Cole, owner of Across the Pond (www.acrossthepond.biz)
It’s Iron Bowl day in Southwest Virginia, and I feel like I’m in a foreign country.
It’s a long way from Tuscaloosa, but I talked with Number One Son a few moments ago and he’s there, primed and ready. He promised me that he will have no voice at the end of this game and that regardless of what happens, he will probably cry.
Here’s to tears of joy.
My heart stopped this morning when I looked at the TV listings in the sports page of The Roanoke Times and saw the Houston v. Rice game listed on CBS instead of the Iron Bowl.… Read the rest
I’m pleased to report that we made it to Grandma’s house in Virginia, GPS notwithstanding.
I thought I would spice things up a bit for the trip by switching from “American Jill” to “British Emily.” Nothing personal against Jill, mind you, but I’ve always been something of an Anglophile, gravitating toward C.S. Lewis, Manchester United, James Bond and the like.
I felt downright sophisticated traveling up the interstate with British Emily’s smooth, cultivated King’s English guiding my every turn. She practically paid for herself just west of Knoxville when she nailed that Mellow Mushroom, one of our family favorites and the unofficial pizza of Southeastern Conference Football, just seconds before we would have passed that exit by.… Read the rest
I did a double take when I filled up the trusty German sports sedan at Sam’s Wholesale Club the other night.
Was the final total really only $33? I took off my glasses, checked for smudges, rubbed my eyes, put them back on again and stood there staring at the digital readout. I wasn’t seeing double. I was seeing half.
I looked around and the mood among my fellow customers was one of great jubilation. One man was happily chattering into his cell phone, “Can you believe this?” Another finished filling up his Ford F-150 Double Cab, stared at the final total and started bawling like a baby, tears of unadulterated joy flowing like a river down his ruddy cheeks.… Read the rest
Bama has a bye, so that means no pregame blather from me this week. Don’t be so sad.
Time instead to focus on the transcendent. You know, the deeper and richer things that rise above mere plebeian, partisan contests and remind us all of just how high the human spirit can soar.
Things such as fine art:… Read the rest
To date, I haven’t jumped on board the “Dump Dickie V.” bandwagon. Yes, unlike fine wine, he has grown worse with age. His clownish antics have grown stale, absolutely.
But I’ve always regarded him like that buffoonish, annoyingly loud, but relatively harmless, uncle at the holiday family gathering who just won’t shut up already with the lame jokes and tall tales but still slips the little kids a piece of candy from his pocket because underneath it all he’s a decent guy with a good heart.
Until now.
Here’s Dickie V. talking about football, of all things, during last night’s Kentucky v.… Read the rest
