Category: Humor

Thou Shalt Not Kick Thy Neighbor’s A$#

Once upon a time, just like the cell phone commercial, I fretted over how much time my kids spent text messaging their friends.

Then I tried it. And like Mikey, I liked it! There were many occasions and situations when a short text made more sense than calling. So we got an unlimited text message package and we all lived happily ever after.

But before the other night, I had never texted anyone except family members. But someone Lindsay changed all that…

Lindsay (texting from a number not in my address book): Hey its lindsay! Hope you guys are prepared to kick some neighbor in the a$#!

… Read the rest

Subj: Obama is a TARHEEL!!! PLEASE FORWARD!!!

While much of the country’s attention is focused on Jeremiah’s Wright’s racial diatribes, Cindy McCain’s bank account, Hillary’s choice of liquor, Obama’s alleged Muslim-ness and Miley Cyrus’ bare back, the REAL STORY has slipped beneath the radar and been suppressed by the MSM:

Barack Hussein DEAN SMITH Obama is a TARHEEL!!!

Yes, I’m afraid it’s true. He was recently seen schmoozing with their prickly, thin-skinned HC Roy Williams and his gang of underachieving, powder blue cream puffs at the UNC basketball complex. This sick and galling display of political pandering can be seen here.

WARNING: The one of him posing with Psycho T, Williams and a very flabby Sam Perkins is NSFW!!!… Read the rest

I Am The Spin Doctor

Each year between late March and early June is table tennis season at our house. Or, for the unwashed masses, “ping pong” season. During those months, the temperature in the garage is just right, so out comes the table and out go the cars to sit for a short while in the driveway, exposed to the elements.

It is a season when a 46-year-old man with a bad back and a nagging case of turf toe can shine. Cocky young men from near and far flock to the garage, gird their loins (what little they have), and try in vain to knock off the “old man.”… Read the rest

This Is Not Your Father’s Mercedes Benz

That is, if your father had a Mercedes in the first place. Mine didn’t. But he did have a gleaming white 1960 Chevy Impala coupe with fins.

But for millions of Catholics, their Father, Pope Benedict XVI, is currently cruising the streets of Washington DC in a modified Mercedes ML-430 affectionately dubbed the “Popemobile:”

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Now that is one righteous ride!

When I saw that his Holiness preferred the M-Class, I let out a loud “Roll, Benedict, Roll!” because as many of you know, that little gem is manufactured in none other than Tuscaloosa, Alabama. However, I did a little research and found that the current model was given to Pope John Paul II in June, 2002, so that means that particular one was most likely manufactured in Graz, Austria prior to Mercedes moving the entire M-Class operation to T-town.… Read the rest

A Writer’s Worst Nightmare

I always get a little nervous on the second Saturday night of each month before my community column is published in the Sunday Huntsville Times.

Basically, I’m afraid that the editor will make a change that will drastically alter my column and make me look like an idiot in front of thousands (well, okay, maybe a couple of hundred) of people. I have visions of people coming up to me in Target and saying, “Hey aren’t you the guy who writes that drivel in the Sunday paper?”

Last Saturday night, all that pre-publication angst turned into a writer’s worst nightmare.… Read the rest

We’re All April Fools

april-fool-illus.jpgFor those of you who may have been wrong-footed by my April Fools gag post on being named the Duke University team optometrist (and sources tell me that there were several of you), don’t feel too badly.

You were not alone. If you want to spot these feints a little earlier, then you might want to check this out.

Besides, it’s not like I never bought a tall tale or two.

A couple of years ago, my friend Ed wrote a classic April Fools post that I swallowed hook, line and sinker like an eager large mouth bass.

Chariots of Fire is one of my all time favorites, and I wanted so much for that story to be true.… Read the rest

Wherefore Art Thou Romeo? Raght Thar He Is!

It took some negotiating, and eventually some compromise. Here’s a picture of our Romeo, one that will, in his words, show the world “what a stud” he is:

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And here’s one of him in action, wooing his beloved Juliet:

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For the life of me, I’ve lived in this house almost 13 years and I never realized we had a balcony in our foyer.

Wherefore Art Thou Romeo? As we say in The South, “Raght thar he is!”

… Read the rest

Wherefore Art Thou Romeo? Because He Has To

Today, Number Three Son is going through the same rite of passage that millions of other schoolboys have over the past few centuries. His 9th grade English class is covering Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet,” and Number Three gets to dress the part and deliver such choice lines as:

“See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!”

As to “Juliet,” well, that’s a sore point. According to Number Three (who has been known to lay it on thick on occasion), he got stuck with the loudest, largest, and most obnoxious girl in the class, which will make his assignment all the more challenging.… Read the rest

Freudian Slips

I first heard about it from Eyegal who heard about it from the parent of a Harding student (who, ironically, was named “Regina”) who heard about it from the student himself who apparently witnessed the incident live.

Heh, that’s funny, I thought. And then: I wonder if it’s on youtube?

Yup, it sure is.

Freudian slips + digital cameras + youtube = worldwide embarrassment.

Chapel announcements have rarely been so interesting.

Fortunately, Dr. Burks is a decent guy who doesn’t mind poking fun at himself. I would have probably run screaming from the stage.

… Read the rest

Interesting Feedback

A patient’s wife whom I’ve known for years saw me poke my head out into the waiting room the other day and ran over to give me some feedback on my recent newspaper column.

She cocked her head to one side, tilting it slightly forward, raised a single brow, and without so much as a hint of a smile said, “I saw your column. Now that was interesting.”

Not “Great column.” Not “Nice.” Not “Oh how sweet.” But interesting, very, very interesting.

“Well thank you very much,” I replied, not quite sure whether I had just been complimented or not.… Read the rest

When Life Imitates Art

The phone rang, per usual, at the start of dinner. Probably just another solicitor, I thought.

But then I saw the caller ID: “Walker, Texas Ranger.” It was a solicitor all right, but it occurred to me that this was one that I had better talk to. Or else.

“Howdy. This is Walker, Texas Ranger. No really, it’s Chuck Norris, just calling to put in a word for my good friend, Mike Huckabee. When you go to the polls on Tuesday, remember, Huck is the only true conservative in the field. So, if you want to protect our country from another Soviet invasion, remember–Vote Mike Huckabee!”… Read the rest

Ro Ride, Ro!

A Monday morning mental health break is in order after a week of edgy, political blogging and a weekend of sad news–that’s the way Meg would have wanted it. Behold, Amazing Gracie the Wonderdog:

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I told you she was Bama Beautiful in that houndstooth collar of hers!

Gracie is shown here firing up a victory stogy after the Tide’s 41-17 thrashing of the Vols last October. Little did she know that would be her last one for the season.

Like many a Bama fan, Gracie was disappointed in our anemic offense and poor quarterback play, and she didn’t touch her food for days after that loss to Lo-Mo.… Read the rest