Former Duke Greats To Officiate Title Game

In a rather anticlimactic move, the NCAA Men’s Basketball Committee announced this morning (off the record, of course) that the officiating crew for tonight’s title game between the fascist (or communist if you prefer) Duke Blue Devils and the clean-cut, All-American kids from Hickory High Butler University will consist of former Duke greats Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley and Grant Hill.

“Might as well go ahead and say it out loud,” an unnamed NCAA source wearing a Duke coaches polo said. “Everybody knows we stack the deck for the Devils, anyway, although we kinda dropped the ball on that from 2001 until now.”

In what we surely come to be known as “Exhibit A” and proof positive of the so-called “Krzyzewski Effect,” Laettner, Hurley and Hill, who have been training as Jedi warrior monks under the tutelage of George Clooney on the top-secret set of The Men Who Stare At Goats, will have the ability to not only ignore egregious fouls on the part of the Blue Devils, but will also stun Butler players (who will be wearing retro uniforms consisting of tight tank tops, satin short-shorts and canvas, high top Chuck Taylor Converse All Stars) and paralyze them by shooting laser beams from their eyes.

Using similar psychic Jedi superpowers, the trio will also guide the ball into the basket anytime Duke players Kile Singler, Jon Scheyer and Nolan Smith (interestingly known as “The Firm”–hmmm, remember that movie?) shoot from beyond the arc.

“Look,” the unnamed anonymous source admitted, “how else can you expect an ‘alarmingly unathletic’ team whose best players are a pasty, white tree-hugger, a skinny Jew from Chicago and an undersized black dude to come out on top?”

Reaction among Duke haters has been swift. Homer Stokes III, grandson of REE-form Party founder Homer Stokes, said, “Did you see the way those Devils shared the ball in that thar semifinal? That thar ‘Firm’ had 23, 21 and 19 points a piece. That’s SOCIALISM I tell ya! It ain’t no coincidence that that thar Muslim president of ours, B. HUSSEIN Obama, beat Clark Kellogg in a game of POTUS on the same day.”

“How is David supposed to slay Goliath if all the refs are Philistines? It’s just further proof that The Little Man is getting screwed with the business end of a broom handle, I tell ya!”

In a completely unrelated story (or so they want you to think), Alabama Head Football Coach Nick Saban and Coach K have apparently purchased a time-share together in Juarez, Mexico (h/t JRB).

Go Duke.

7 Comments

  1. JRB

    In my practice, we when we have a client with really bad facts – unclean hands, as we say – that would tarnish our story and make her less sympathetic to the judge, we typically try to “take the sting out” by being preemptive. 

    That means, we bring up the bad facts and narrate them for the court in a way that inoculates our side against the opponents lying in wait.  We do not want the other side to be able to surprise us or the court when they bring up what we wanted to hide. 

    Thus, we take away the opponent’s mojo and their element of surprise by confessing and spinning what the Court will need to know.Good job. 

  2. cg

    Here’s hoping Butler will complete their dream.  A classic underdog story – Go Bulldogs.

  3. Mike the Eyeguy

    JRB–Thanks, counselor. I coulda’ been a defender, ya know?

    cg–Spoken like a true Jayhawk.

  4. Kristi Sweeney

    I’m still a little mad at Duke for being my top college choice and rejecting me. I’m definitely for Butler tonight, but I seriously doubt I’ll have any idea who won until tomorrow at the earliest and probably more like Wednesday. Unless, of course, they broadcast the results in my little library hidey-hole, or it’s written in one of my nursing school textbooks.

  5. cg

    I appreciated what a commentator said after the game, “Brad Stevens stood nose to nose with Coach K, looked him straight in the eye, and DID NOT blink.  Butler didn’t lose this game, Duke just won.”Congrats to the Butler Bulldogs on a fantastic run… Oh, and congrats to the other team too.

  6. Mike the Eyeguy

    No Indiana miracle–sorry Hoosier peeps.

    Well, not really. But well played Butler. If I hadn’t bled Blue Devil Blue since near birth, I would have been pulling for you too.

  7. Mike the Eyeguy

    This is an awesome picture.

    Apparently they had the logos from previous Final Fours printed on the hardwood. The one Nolan Smith is pointing to is the one his Dad Derek played in (and won) with Louisville in 1980.

    Derek Smith played in the NBA nine years, but died at the age of 34 of a heart attack when Nolan was only eight.

    I can understand everyone rooting for Butler–I would have too had I not always bled Blue.

    But Duke had some pretty amazing stories as well.

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