Raising Arizona One Dale Peterson and Two Tim Jameses

Dear AZ,

Nice try, but no cigarro.

We know you’re a little sore because “L” comes before “R” in the alphabet. And you probably felt a little trampled upon when we drove an armada of Crimson, elephant-festooned RVs with horns that blare “Yea, Alabama,” not once, but twice, through your state in early January on our way to the Rose Bowl and back (Roll Tide!).

But did you really think you could captivate the attention of the entire country with your so-called “controversial” new immigration law? You call that “controversial?” You call yourself “conservative?” Do the names “George Wallace” and “Bull Connor” ring a bell with you people? Please, in Alabama we put the CON in “controversial” and “conservative.”

Listen up Arizona, this is Alabama–we speak Redneck. If you want to hang with the Good Ol’ Boys, you better step up your game in a hurry. You could start by brushing up on your history and start watching more Jeff Foxworthy DVDs and Dukes of Hazzard reruns now. Because as long as all the politico-wannabes in the Yellowhammer State keep rolling out their campaign TV ads, by the time November rolls around, the only thing people are going to remember about you is that big sink hole that you guys keep calling a “natural wonder.”

Believe me, Tim James’ “This is Alabama, We Speak English, Dadgummit!” spot was just the opening shot. In fact, poor ol’ Tim is looking like a libruhl, soccer-loving, pinko Commie today compared to Dale “True Grit” Peterson, the guy whose “goin’ afta'” the “Ag Commish” office.

His TV add went viral in recent days–you may have seen it even way out there. Heck, we didn’t even know we had an “Ag Commish” until that ad hit. Folks around here got so worked up at the sight of his Winchester and cowboy hat that now they’re talking about him and Sarah Palin saddlin’ up together to take back The White House in 2012. A ticket like that might set the English language back a few centuries. I can see their first presser now–Sarah up there behind the podium, winkin’ and flashin’ that “You Betcha” grin of hers, and Dale right there beside her ridin’ shotgun, just darin’ some cocky, snot-nosed libruhl to ask her a real question.

Yeah, yeah, I know we have Bradley Byrne and Young Boozer who want to represent the New South and show that Alabama can be progressive. They’re actin’ all uppity and tryin’ to show off their phancy learnin’ and what not, but don’t pay them no mind.

Tim James and the True Republican PAC (which really isn’t) dug up some good dirt on Byrne who’s a Duke grad and is running for governor. Turns out all that phancy learnin’ led him to make a few sympathetic comments toward evolution “evilution” and biblical higher criticism a few years back, and Tim and his new best buds at AEA pounced on that like a cat on a June Bug. That slick maneuver forced Byrne into damage control mode to repair his fundamentalist Christian cred among the hoi polloi.

Well played, Mr. James, well played.

As for Young Boozer, the “serious leader” with the “funny name”, he’s a Stanford grad who’s apparently playing up his connection with Bear Bryant (God rest his soul).

Stanford, Bear Bryant–it don’t take a rocket scientist (and Lord knows, they’re a dime a dozen here in Huntsville) to know that dawg don’t hunt. All the Old Boozers down in Montgomery ain’t gonna take too kindly to that brand of monkeyshine.

Give it up Arizona, you don’t stand a chance. We’re going to see y’all’s silly little immigration law and raise you one Dale Peterson and two Tim Jameses. That’s right, ol’ Tim is about to go “nucular,” and Ocular Fusion has the scoop on his next campaign ad. Read ’em and weep, AZ; it’s only primary season, and we’re just gettin’ started.

Reddest regards,

AL