Prohibition of a Different Sort
The year is 2015. A portly, middle-aged man slips quietly through an alley in the early morning darkness, somewhere in midtown Manhattan. He trips over several homeless people and steps on the tail of a cat which emits a loud screech that echoes for several city blocks.
Startled, he now walks more briskly, afraid that the ruckus may have attracted the attention of the local food police. He is risking much. His career as a successful stockbroker and reputation as a solid family man would be ruined should he be discovered.
He comes to a nondescript, dilapidated building with a steel door. He knocks once, twice, then three times in rapid succession. After what seems like an interminable pause, a small slot slides open.
“Yeah, waddya want?” comes the gruff voice from inside.
The man, who is now slightly winded and plenty nervous, blurts out just a little too loudly, “Sugar and spice and everything nice!”
“Shhhhhh, speak easy wouldya?” replies the proprietor. “Let me see the dough first.”
The customer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crisp Ben Franklin and passes it through the slot and into the glaze-covered fingers of the owner. A second later, the man is startled as a second, larger slot slides open at the bottom of the door.
“There you go, youse guys enjoy ’em.”
The customer leans over with some difficulty and picks up the cardboard box. He opens the lid slightly to make sure all is legit. The aroma which wafts through his nostrils and the sight of the dozen golden and glazed Dunkin’ Donuts produces the predictable Pavlovian response at the corners of his mouth. He is tempted to plop right down there in the middle of the alley and eat his fill, but then he remembers his wife and kids who are eagerly and anxiously awaiting his return.
He shoves the box beneath his oversized overcoat and begins to retrace his steps in the early morning darkness; he must be careful to be home before the sun begins to rise over Lady Liberty and before the early morning food patrols begin.
Welcome to New York City in the year 2015 and prohibition of a different sort.
10 Comments
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Terri
I was very surprised to see the new ban. I hate to sound like my daddy but… you can’t tell me what to eat! …can you?
Ed
We can’t take care of ourselves, so the Govt is going to do it for us. That’s a reassuring thought. Careful, cigarettes and carbohydrates are next. What about the whole milk and the cokes? This is looking bad.
When you finish writing this novel, I want to read it. Another C.S. Lewis in the making?
Mike the Eyeguy
Terri–Yeah your daddy is right, that ain’t gonna fly down in these here parts.
Ed–I blush that you mention me and “Jack” in the same breath ( I can only dream). I’m glad you liked my dystopian tale.
Having been to NYC and partaken of its many fine culinary options, I can assure you that if you want to eat trans-fatless, you can do so fairly easily. Although I watch what I eat, I reward myself by “being bad” every now and then. I for one would like that option to remain open.
JRB
I don’t want to be too edgy here, but just a little. We walk a very fine line as conservatives and liberals and libertarians when we promote or criticize these things.
I support the ban, because I think it’s a sneaky, ubiquitous health hazard that has a regressive effect on poor people who can’t afford healthier food which is usually more expensive. On the other hand, I oppose government discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, and I believe that legal prohibition of abortion only creates its own horrifying speakeasies.
Pick your poison, I guess.
JRB
Also, this isn’t a ban on pizza or doughnuts, it’s a ban on an artificial, industrial product created post-WWII to cheapen food. It worked but with remarkably dangerous results, as trans-fats are the leading contributor to the leading causes of death in the United States. Sixty years hence, we have better food technology to make the same food, better and without significantly greater expense.
But I did used to represent tobacco companies, so who knows….
Mike the Eyeguy
Yeah, but did you like the story? 🙂
I know it’s not a ban on pizza or donuts–just as we know them. The question that I raised in my story (always with my tongue planted slightly in cheek) is whether or not in 2015 people will be content with the new version or be willing to pay a premium for the original. Time will tell.
I’m glad you mentioned your past representation of Big Tobacco, because I certainly would have if you hadn’t! And by the way, I support a ban on smoking in enclosed public spaces. But unlike second-hand smoke, trans-fats only harm the person consuming them in large quantities, not the person standing next to them.
If I’m not mistaken, trans-fats have been around long before WW II, most notably in the form of Crisco (the old version). Both my grandfathers (who were both poor) fried just about everything in the stuff and lived well into their eighties and didn’t die of coronary artery disease or stroke. Why? Most likely because they were both manual laborers all their lives and ate moderate portions along with plenty of vegetables from their home-grown gardens.
I have seen first-hand the increase in coronary artery disease, stroke and diabetes in my patients over the past 20 years. One way I gauge this is the number of patients whom I have a hard time getting into the slit lamp to examine their eyes due to their expanding guts and girth. Yet, the way food is prepared and cooked in restaurants has not changed substantially over that period. That leads me to conclude that other factors are in play in addition to the trans-fats themselves, notably over-sized portions and sedentary, hurried lifestyles.
I’m all for restaurants voluntarily seeking healthier options, and many are already doing so without government help. Moderation in all things, including trans-fats, is the key, not another set of expensive, difficult-to-enforce, byzantine government regulations which will most likely have minimal impact on individual health.
Hal
Here I am at the Academy meeting, poised to lecture on Obesity at the Primary Care symposium (coordinated by our friend Ernie), and I read your satire on donuts. How ironic!
You know my politics. I do not advocate Big Brother telling us what to eat, so I appreciate your finger poking humor, even when it touches on a topic near and dear to my heart (and stomach).
You said, “other factors are in play in addition to the trans-fats themselves, notably over-sized portions and sedentary, hurried lifestyles.” So true. There are many pieces to the puzzle. When the government removes Coke machines from public schools, do we think that children don’t drink Cokes anymore?
Mike the Eyeguy
Hal, last time I saw you, I didn’t really think you had gained much weight at all. You hardly seem qualified to lecture on that topic.
The real irony will come when you’re presented with that fine table of food at the closing banquet. Then all that theory will disappear beneath a mound of mash potatoes and gravy and a few juicy slabs of roast beef.
True story: a local school system (not Huntsville) has a “zero tolerance” policy on junk food, even on lunches brought from home. A kindergarten kid brought a bag of Cheetos which were confiscated by a teacher. The child went ballistic, and after they peeled her off the ceiling, she got detention to boot.
Grabbing a kid’s Cheetos? Detention for kindergartners? It’s a crazy mixed up world out there.
hal
Well, that sure puts a new wrinkle on qualifications to speak on a topic. I believe I’ve heard you lecture on normotensive glaucoma in the past. Does that mean that you have NTG personally, or are you not qualified to lecture on that topic? Hmmm?
It is indeed ironic for me to speak on the topic of obesity at the Academy. I tend to eat more at these meetings than anywhere else. There are so many free meals here that I have to skip the last lectures of the day, just so I can go work out. In fact that’s where I’m headed next.
Cafeteria Nazis! I never did have much of a stomach for them – either as a kid or a parent. If these people are steeling kids Cheetos there is no wonder why there are so many weapons in schools these days.
Mike the Eyeguy
I wish I was in sunny and warm Denver (40 degrees as compared to 25 presently in Huntsville) helping you eat all that free food. Say hey to Ernie for me.