Epidemic Ocularis Hyperlacrimus

If you and your family are casting about looking for something to do this holiday season, take them to see the movie “Marley and Me”–it’s a good old-fashioned emotional flogging they’ll never forget.

Owen Wilson is surprisingly sober, Alan Arkin is a cuddly curmudgeon, Kathleen Turner is downright scary and Jennifer Anniston shows off more range of emotion than skin for once. And Marley (well, Marleys since 22 different yellow labs were used in the film) is a charming rascal of a mutt.

Warning: It may be inappropriate for a large majority of pre-tweeners due to the emotional intensity.… Read the rest

A “Thin Place”–Right Hand Side, Two Thirds Of The Way Back

“Our pew” is on the right hand side, two thirds of the way back. That’s where we always sit when we attend Christmas Eve services at our second church home, Episcopal Church of the Nativity in Huntsville. I’ve written of our experiences there before, and as longtime readers know, that’s our refuge where we occasionally go in order to escape the tyranny of the modern (e.g. PowerPoint!) and surrender instead to the power and holy mysteries of the liturgy.

Picture in your mind the quintessential Christmas Eve setting: an old, storied building topped with a 150 foot Gothic Revival spire reaching toward the heavens, the nave bathed in soft candle light and bedecked with festive, seasonal greenery, a 12-foot Christmas tree near the front, beckoning with a thousand starry lights.… Read the rest

My Facebook Status Update (If I Had One)

My Facebook status update (if I had one) would probably read something like this:

“Mike is really digging ‘Straight No Chaser’ right now.”

Not the drink (although my father-in-law, bless his heart, did slip me a little shot of whiskey last night after I threw out my back pulling down the stairs to the attic), but the a cappella music group which is all the rage after their Youtube video spoof of “Twelve Days of Christmas” recorded 10 years ago when they were all in college at Indiana University (Hoosiers do music?) went hog-viral last year about this time.

That led to a group reunion, a recording contract with Atlantic Records and a new Christmas album “Holiday Spirits” which I downloaded from Amazon Saturday and, as my hypothetical Facebook status says, am “really digging.”… Read the rest

Ancient Fire, Forever Sacred

satellite-view-of-earth-at-night-750.jpg

My first patient was already in the chair at around 8:05 yesterday morning when an electronic sensor at the Monroe Street substation near the downtown library detected a problem with the transformer and proceeded to shut down the power to approximately 20,000 customers, from Monte Sano Mountain in the east, to Research Park in the west and south to Airport Road.

But I didn’t know that at the time. When the power shut down, I’d been microwaving my morning vitamin drink, a staple during the winter months when I’m daily assaulted by the medical dictionary’s worth of viruses that my patients exhale into the office air.… Read the rest

My Kind of Ink

As a licensed eye care professional, and moreover one who is interested in maintaining said license until such time that I retire and/or write my first multimillion dollar bestseller, I cannot say that I wholly endorse this particular Eye-dea.

Still, the thought of www.ocularfusion.net appearing on average every 5 seconds whilst tatted across the superior eyelid folds of an army of Fusioneers does bring a smile to my face.… Read the rest

Membership Has Its “Privileges”

members-only-logojacket-111507-2.jpgIf you’re among the (*cough*) “elite corps” (aka “The Fusioneers”) that has registered here, you received an email this morning containing a sneak preview of a new blog that I’m rolling out.

It contains the community columns that I wrote this past year for The Huntsville Times, not to mention a “bonus track” from the early years.

Oh, and a few other tidbits, such as a picture of me (kudos to Number One Son for his mad photography and computer animation skillz) and my real name (like it’s so tough to figure out).

You see! Membership really does have its “privileges.”… Read the rest

A Very Special “Kitchen Sink Christmas”

I broke through the Marvin-induced writer’s block last week and managed to turn in my last Huntsville Times community column before the deadline.

It wasn’t easy, though. But I just sat down and forced myself to brainstorm through the dusty annals of Christmases past for that just-perfect Yuletide memory to share in what I envision as a sort of coup de grace of a grand finale.

Come Sunday, check back here and watch me wrap up paganism, death, evolution, guns, whoopee-makin’, spittin’, a balding, 40-year-old man armed with a pitch pipe and an attitude, a Bible-bangin’, red-faced Church Lady (think Dana Carvey in SNL), the, ahem, “fruit of the vine” and a “par-tri-udge, in-uh, pear-treeee” into a neat package and top it off with a big red bow.… Read the rest

The Fish House–The Place Where Dreams Come True

Marvin the Goldfish is like a Timex watch–he just keeps going and going and going…

His spirit I mean. The body itself is still in a sandwich baggy, buried deep in our freezer somewhere between the ground beef and the ice cream. That is, unless Eyegal got him mixed up with the frozen tilapia.

Final arrangements are incomplete, but ongoing. More on that shortly.

You may recall the readers who reached out to us in our time of Marvin-mourning with a very kind offer of a replacement goldfish. Yes, I know, it goes without saying that Marvin is irreplaceable, but it was still awfully nice of them.… Read the rest

Some Camo Eye Candy for Carolinagirl

Long time reader and commentator Carolinagirl is back from “playing” in The Sandbox, but she’s a little glum this morning after her beloved Army Black Knights were keelhauled yet again (their 7th straight loss ) by the Navy Midshipmen in the annual Army-Navy game.

Chin up, cg. Here’s some camo eye candy that should brighten your day:

armycamo.jpg

Both teams were sporting the new Nike “Enforcer” uniform, but Army’s camo threads were over-the-top-o’-the-trench AWESOME. When I saw them I yelled, CHARGE! I immediately gathered everybody in the house to see them and called Number One Son at Bama to make sure he saw them too.… Read the rest

‘Grats Gators

Wow, a “Game of The Year” that finally lived up to its billing. ‘Grats to the Gators for beating us straight up, fair and square.

We’re still a year or two away from having the full compliment of personnel to be able to beat a team that deep and talented, not to mention a once-in-a-generation player like Tebow.

Disappointing, yes, but the Crimson Nation is very proud of this team and what they’ve accomplished this year and the way they played today. Still, two Bama mistakes led to two Gator scores–remember what I said about having to play a perfect game?… Read the rest

Tommy, This Is Going To Hurt Me A Lot More Than It Will You, A’ight?

beatdown-in-t-town.jpg

…34, 35, 36…and one to grow on!

Kinda creepy, huh?

You know I’m just kidding, right?

You know, I know, heck, we all know that Tommy Tuberville’s sudden “resignation” this week had absolutely nothing to do with the “Beatdown in T-town” Saturday, right? Right?

If not Nick Satan, then maybe it was Karma…

I know I’ve gone on and on about the whole “finger thing,” but the fact is, after 6 straight wins you have to expect that. This is the SEC, not the ACC, for Pete’s sake. When it comes to football, one expects the knife to be twisted in the small of the back under such circumstances.… Read the rest

Pisces Panegyric Plucks Huntsville’s Heartstrings

Out of all the columns that I’ve written this year for The Huntsville Times, the tribute to Marvin has apparently struck the biggest chord.

One of my patients said his wife cried when she read it. Another reader wrote to me and said “you really outdid yourself this time” and that it was “the best thing you’ve written all year.”

Yesterday I received this email from a reader:

We really enjoyed reading your column and are astounded at the longevity of your fish!

Should you be interested in choosing a free goldfish to replace poor old Marvin, please contact Trevor Cole, owner of Across the Pond (www.acrossthepond.biz)

… Read the rest