The Holiday Newsletter–Raw and Uncensored

I wonder what would happen if people wrote down the first thing that came to their minds in their holiday newsletters? What it be like if we all mailed our first drafts, raw and uncensored, rather than the spit and polish, somewhat-less-than-accurate final editions? I can only imagine…

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Dear family and friends,

Happy Holidays (there, that ought to get somebody riled up!). It’s time for that annual gagfest known as the XXX family brag sheet, uh, I mean newsletter.

I know what some of you are thinking: I need this like I need an IRS audit or a visit to the proctologist.… Read the rest

Holy Mondegreens, Batman, Here He Goes Again!

In addition to the ones I wrote about last year, here are a few more:

  • Give us this day our deli bread.
  • Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
    • We shall come to Joyce’s, bringing in the cheese.
    • Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    • Yield not to Penn Station.
    • Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO!
    • Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names
    • While shepherds washed their socks by night

    Any worthy contributions to this list will be rewarded with a life sentence subscription to my blog plus a signed copy of my world-infamous Christmas family newsletter.… Read the rest

    Holiday Letters–Yea or Nay?

    Sorry, there won’t be the usual stunningly professional, thought-provoking and humorous post today. You see, I used up all my good stuff on the holiday letter that I composed this weekend. You know, the newsy and chatty one that you send to all your far-flung friends regaling them with the events of the year and about how all the men are strong, the women good-looking and the children way, way above average in your little neck of the woods.

    If you’re still working on yours (news flash: you’d better hurry), then you might find this list of helpful hints useful. Or not.… Read the rest

    You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out!

    Tis the season for the Sojourner Class at our church to watch some Christmas movies and try to unpack a few spiritual lessons. Last year, we spent a few weeks watching It’s a Wonderful Life, and so far this year we’ve viewed and discussed clips from Miracle on 34th Street and The Bishop’s Wife.

    christmas_story_c.jpgThis Sunday we’ll be watching A Christmas Story. As you might recall, that’s the one where little Ralphie Parker (played by Peter Billingsley) sets his heart on the mother of all Christmas presents: “an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and ‘this thing’, which tells time.”… Read the rest

    Make That 47

    True story:

    In the fall of 1984, I was a skinny, malnourished first-year graduate student in clinical psychology at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia. This was just shortly before I realized that I wasn’t cut out to be a psychotherapist and needed to work with something I could actually fix–like eyeballs–but I digress.

    Moving back to Blacksburg had reignited some childhood allergies which in turn had set off a touch of asthma, and that was the reason that I was in Ellett’s Drugstore on Main Street looking for drugs–any and all, please–that would give me a few moments of relief. After scooping up and paying for enough OTC medications to anesthetize a herd of charging elephants, I started out the door.… Read the rest

    Seeing a Sermon

    Our search for a good Yuletide fix led us yesterday to the sanctuary of the First United Methodist Church in downtown Huntsville for their annual performance of The Boar’s Head and Yule Log Festival. Being both a medieval aficionado and a lover of pomp and circumstance, this is one that I simply don’t miss. I mean where else can an old Latin geek like me belt out lyrics like these at the top of his lungs?

    Caput apri defero

    Reddens laudes Domino!

    That phrase is from “The Boar’s Head Carol” and translates roughly to “Lo, behold the head I bring, giving praise to God we sing!”… Read the rest